Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
