He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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