Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
