we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
