I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
