Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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