oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
