literally had 100 drinks last night.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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