guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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