I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
