we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I got inside last night via doggy door
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
