Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize