Three words: puerto rican gang bang
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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