i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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