my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
