Where did you get a picture of my penis
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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