going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
