apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
