I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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