I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Randomize
