Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
