My nipple is on Facebook.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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