I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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