drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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