I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
