I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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