quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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