Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
