dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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