drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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