What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
