Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Randomize