I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize