Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
