I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
