Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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