who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize