My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Floor bacon is actually really good
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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