Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You are the jesus of drinking
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
