I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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