mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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