Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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