I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
