just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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