Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
