can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize