If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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