i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
