You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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