Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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