I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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