Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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