she looked like the bat from fern gully.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
