I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
