I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
