I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
