The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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