Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
