You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
