can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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