Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
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