Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
