Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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