We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
