So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
