I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
