nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Randomize
