I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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