please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
