please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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