you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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