Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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