so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
